<Until the Peonies Bloom>
Honestly, I thought this spring would be just like last year. I’d come home from school, pick up my guitar, and spend hours mindlessly practicing chords or scrolling through YouTube videos. But when May rolled around, everything started to feel... off. Or maybe I knew all along. Unless something changed, living like this wouldn’t mean anything.
That day was unbearably hot. The peonies in the park were in full bloom, and Chloe and I met at our usual spot. We sat on the bench, silently watching the petals fall. As I watched the peonies drop to the ground, I felt like something inside me was breaking too. So, I spoke up first.
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
Chloe glanced at me before giving a small smile. “You know, the usual. Thinking about college, the future. Just trying to keep things normal.”
Her words were casual, but I could tell something else was going on. We’d known each other for so long that I could always sense when something was bothering her. Chloe wasn’t the type to openly express her feelings; she was the kind to hide them in her expressions, her eyes.
“You’re still planning on going to art school, right? You sure about that?”
Chloe let out a long breath, her gaze dropping to the ground. “I don’t know. Lately... I’m not sure if it’s what I really want. What if I’m just chasing something unrealistic? What if I’d be happier if I went down a more stable path?”
As I listened, I realized I wasn’t the only one struggling with doubts. Chloe, just like me, wasn’t entirely confident about her future. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse.
“I feel the same way,” I admitted. “I know we’re supposed to go to college, graduate, get jobs... do all the ‘right’ things. But I don’t know what I really want. It all feels... meaningless sometimes.”
Our conversation lingered in that heavy, uncertain space. We spoke, but it felt like we weren’t really saying what we needed to. Maybe we were too scared to face the real questions. What did we truly want? Were we ready to admit it?
Then, Chloe asked, almost absentmindedly, “Do you know the meaning of peonies?”
“Peonies?” I repeated. I thought for a second. “I know they’re beautiful. That’s about it.”
Chloe smiled faintly. “They’re known for blooming in this burst of beauty. But the thing is, they wither and fall just as quickly. They bloom in all their glory, but it doesn’t last long. Kind of like... our dreams, don’t you think?”
Her words struck me. The ‘momentary beauty’ she spoke of—suddenly, I understood. We all dream of this bright, beautiful future, but deep down, we’re terrified it might be fleeting, or worse, unattainable.
Each time another peony petal fell, it felt like a piece of my hope was crumbling away. I wondered if all my dreams, all my ambitions, would end up as fragile and temporary as those petals.
“I guess our dreams are like that,” I said. “They seem brilliant and full of promise right now, but... they can just as easily fall apart. Still, we keep waiting for them. Even if it’s only for that brief moment.”
Chloe looked at me thoughtfully and replied softly, “Yeah, I think so. Because even if it’s just a moment, it’s worth it. It’s what makes everything we’re going through mean something.”
We sat quietly after that, absorbing each other’s words. On that park bench, with the peonies falling around us, it felt like we were both wrapped up in the ‘brilliant sadness’ of the season. And that was when I realized my feelings for Chloe went beyond friendship. But I didn’t have the courage to say it.
***
After the peonies were all gone, I stopped going to the park for a while. It felt too empty without them, and I wasn’t ready to face the emotions I’d stirred up there. But I could never forget that day. The conversation we had, the peonies drifting down, and the sense of both hope and fear that had settled in my chest.
I don’t remember what decisions Chloe or I made after that. The details have blurred over time. But I know one thing for sure: that spring, we grew up a little more. We moved through that season of brilliant sadness and came out the other side, changed.
And even now, I still find myself waiting for the peonies to bloom again. Even if I know that when they fall, sadness will follow, I can’t help but wait for their beauty.
***
Will Chloe and I meet again in that park when the peonies bloom once more? Even if our dreams have faded, the memory of that spring remains, forever etched in my heart. And so, I’ll keep waiting, just like I always have, for that brilliant spring, filled with the beauty and sadness of peonies.
#ref.:
Poem)김영랑, <모란이 피기까지는>
모란이 피기까지는 나는 아직 나의 봄을 기다리고 있을 테요 모란이 뚝뚝 떨어져 버린 날 나는 비로소 봄을 여읜 설움에 잠길 테요 5월 어느 날 그 하루 무덥던 날 떨어져 누운 꽃잎마저 시들
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